I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
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Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!