If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.