If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
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People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater