I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
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Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.