what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
Th: But that’s your a-
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.