@canadasandra

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

@canadasandra

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

@canadasandra

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

@canadasandra

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

@canadasandra

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

@canadasandra

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

@canadasandra

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

@canadasandra

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

@canadasandra

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.