A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
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People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
[montage of me giving-up]
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.