me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
You Might Also Like
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct