i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?