me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
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[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants