In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
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[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
and this one
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.