@caperbc75

“Can I help you find something?”

I’m looking for the perfect diamond for my wife that says “sorry I cheated on you in your dream last nite”

@caperbc75

“Hey Frosty, calm down on the snacks. You’re getting fat. Check out this six pack! You could do laundry on it!”

– the Abdominal Snowman

@caperbc75

My dream girl? Dirty blond hair, strong arms, cold eyes, immaculately shaped facial hair, no remorse

-Are you describing Chuck Norris?

Yes

@caperbc75

Do you think the guy responsible for squirting water in NFL players’ mouths has “rehydration specialist” listed on his LinkedIn profile?

@caperbc75

First off I want to commend you for taking part in credit counselling. Now, under assets you wrote “like an onion”. Can you clarify?

@caperbc75

My grandfather is so racist he only eats white chocolate at Easter.

@caperbc75

Sorry my seductive strip tease to Janet Jackson’s Black Cat blew your Grandma’s pacemaker and caused your Mom to divorce your Dad.

@caperbc75

*nervously adjusts fedora in Starbucks lineup

I’ll have uh, um, a mediu- I mean vanti, uh, mochacachito?

Patrons: HE’S A FRAUD! GET HIM!!!

@caperbc75

Hulk Hogan walks into a tanning salon and drops a saddle on the counter. “Make me look like this brother!”

@caperbc75

I feel bad for that caveman who invented the wheel because you know his mother-in-law was all “She shoulda married Grog. He invented fire”