“Can I help you find something?”
I’m looking for the perfect diamond for my wife that says “sorry I cheated on you in your dream last nite”
“Hey Frosty, calm down on the snacks. You’re getting fat. Check out this six pack! You could do laundry on it!”
– the Abdominal Snowman
My dream girl? Dirty blond hair, strong arms, cold eyes, immaculately shaped facial hair, no remorse
-Are you describing Chuck Norris?
Do you think the guy responsible for squirting water in NFL players’ mouths has “rehydration specialist” listed on his LinkedIn profile?
First off I want to commend you for taking part in credit counselling. Now, under assets you wrote “like an onion”. Can you clarify?
My grandfather is so racist he only eats white chocolate at Easter.
Sorry my seductive strip tease to Janet Jackson’s Black Cat blew your Grandma’s pacemaker and caused your Mom to divorce your Dad.
*nervously adjusts fedora in Starbucks lineup
I’ll have uh, um, a mediu- I mean vanti, uh, mochacachito?
Patrons: HE’S A FRAUD! GET HIM!!!
Hulk Hogan walks into a tanning salon and drops a saddle on the counter. “Make me look like this brother!”
I feel bad for that caveman who invented the wheel because you know his mother-in-law was all “She shoulda married Grog. He invented fire”