The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Growing out my freckles.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer