If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter