“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*