SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware