Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.