@capricecrane

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

@capricecrane

Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

@capricecrane

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

@capricecrane

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”

@capricecrane

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

@capricecrane

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.