me: one shitty donut with gross frosting please
bagel employee: you don’t have to come here, you know
You (someone who flips houses): I flip houses
Me (an idiot): you must be very strong
Me [sees a lemonade stand]: one sec i’m pulling over
Other EMT: *stops giving CPR* oh hell yeah
[looking at a criminal line up]
me: *gasps* holy shit
cop: what? do you recognize your wife’s killer?
me: i have that same shirt [pressing intercom] #4 is that from Old Navy?
Date: I think I’ll have the chopped salad
Me [just took my first karate class]: just get a normal salad *points to hand* I’ll take care of the rest
DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful
ME: [trying to impress her] well my wedding is tomorrow you should come
[first day as a demon] *rotating my head around 360 degrees* WEEEEEE
waiter: and for you sir?
me: just a water [remembering my date is religious] but make it holy
Therapist: what would you say is your biggest fear
Me: chameleon bears
Therapist: but those don’t even exist
Me: *looking around nervously* how could anyone know
you, dumb as shit: if I drink bleach it’ll kill me
me, a brain like none other: if i drink bleach, my pee will clean the toilet for me