@captainkalvis

me: one shitty donut with gross frosting please

bagel employee: you don’t have to come here, you know

@captainkalvis

You (someone who flips houses): I flip houses

Me (an idiot): you must be very strong

@captainkalvis

Me [sees a lemonade stand]: one sec i’m pulling over

Other EMT: *stops giving CPR* oh hell yeah

@captainkalvis

[looking at a criminal line up]
me: *gasps* holy shit

cop: what? do you recognize your wife’s killer?

me: i have that same shirt [pressing intercom] #4 is that from Old Navy?

@captainkalvis

Date: I think I’ll have the chopped salad

Me [just took my first karate class]: just get a normal salad *points to hand* I’ll take care of the rest

@captainkalvis

DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful

ME: [trying to impress her] well my wedding is tomorrow you should come

@captainkalvis

[first day as a demon] *rotating my head around 360 degrees* WEEEEEE

@captainkalvis

waiter: and for you sir?

me: just a water [remembering my date is religious] but make it holy

@captainkalvis

Therapist: what would you say is your biggest fear

Me: chameleon bears

Therapist: but those don’t even exist

Me: *looking around nervously* how could anyone know

@captainkalvis

you, dumb as shit: if I drink bleach it’ll kill me

me, a brain like none other: if i drink bleach, my pee will clean the toilet for me