I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
You Might Also Like
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.