me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday