judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol


i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day


sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????


casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit


the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday