There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
You Might Also Like
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
the greatest twitter interaction
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.