Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this