[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
i dont have time for this
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy