ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
You Might Also Like
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume