When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.