[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?