Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
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Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
There’s always that one guy
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday