Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
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*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then