Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.