I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
sleeping beauty
what day is it?
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
how long have you had this for?
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.