My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
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I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.