Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
goldfish mafia
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Lassie, get help!
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble