*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
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My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.