Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
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“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.