What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
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I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
True.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name