My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.