I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
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this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Is your wife single?
THE AUDACITY. 😤
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.