For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.