nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook