If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
You Might Also Like
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.