You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.