Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”