a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know