i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year