[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi