OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME