people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking