The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.