Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
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ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
It’s a gift
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?