She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
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Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
this post was so formative to me
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Alexa: *deep breath*
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes